A number of years ago some older actor died and I remember my mom being shocked and saddened for a bit. I thought she was being a bit silly, as were all the people on TV who had gathered at the actor's home to cry, lay flowers, and mourn. These weren't friends, family, or community members. They had seen the actor on TV and in movies, that was it.
Giving my mom the benefit of the doubt, I tried to imagine how I'd feel if Lance Bass died. I decided I might be sad about it, but crying about it seemed a little much.
Heath Ledger died today, and I have to admit, I'm still in a little bit of shock. He was somewhat near and dear to my heart, seeing as Linda and I once went on a double date with him and Jake Gyllenhaal. I honestly can't describe how I'm feeling about it, because my life isn't really affected by the discontinuation of his. Yet I'm feeling stunned, saddened, even a little teary-eyed.
This vague shadow of grief seems ludicrous in the face of the fact that 4 days ago a friend of the family succumbed to cancer and while I was sad, especially for my mother's best friend whose brother is the deceased, I did not get weepy. I listened, I processed, and I moved on.
I will admit, however, that my first thought (after realizing my customer wasn't pulling her friend's leg) was "I hope they'd finished all the filming for Dark Knight."
In other news of the day, I declared my first jihad against whomever is responsible for plowing NCC's parking lots. After being forced to park on north end at 2am due to my south end parking lot being closed, I had to spend half an hour this morning kicking/hand-shovelling a 3-foot pile of snow out from behind my car. I was rather put out.
Disclaimer to The Boy, should he read this: You're going to try to read between the lines, or think I'm hinting at something. I'm not. Don't freak out, love. Kthx.
I mentioned in my Late '08 entry (one click away ala the "previous" button!) that I'm mere weeks away from Real Adulthood. I'm soiling myself in fear on a daily basis and have metaphorically thrown up in my shoes so many times a metaphorical DSW could buy out Microsoft. Metaphorically.
On one hand, The Great Unknown is terrifying in of itself. I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, or how I'm going to get there once I figure it out. On the other hand, The Great Unknown is...freeing. I'm no long on the great conveyor belt of life. I've reached the end and I can do anything I want. I can move to Berlin and teach English, or move to Aurora and get a meth habit to occupy my time. Anything my heart desires.
The problem with these infinite possibilities is that as they come rushing in at me, they all crash abruptly against the great Relationship wall and then mingle about in confusion and panic. I've realized that The Boy and I are important enough to each other that whatever it is I do with my life will also affect his.
And that's a responsibility laid upon my shoulders that I'm not entirely equipped to deal with.
I'm a product of late 20th century feminism, whether I like it or not. While I might feel that factoring The Boy into my decisions is a good and right thing to do, the part of my brain that absorbs American Culture revs up and starts shrieking at me. "Factor him in?! Are you nuts? You're letting a man interfere with your future?! Don't let the patriarchy tie you down! You can be anything you want to be and he will only hold you back!"
And thus, I can see why so many people get married right out of the college gate. Factoring "some guy" into your big, beautiful future is limiting, silly, stupid. But factoring in your husband has an entirely different societal connotation. Marriage is a bond more important than many things. Marriage is about compromise. That's what we hear. So, when trying to figure out what to do, getting married in order to narrow the Big Scary Playing Field seems like a great idea! Even if you're not ready quite yet, you will be eventually, right?
Obviously, this sort of nonsense is easily sorted out by having rational conversations, but when one is standing on such a large precipice, irrationality has a way of creeping in and presenting scenarios in ways that don't seem so ludicrous.
I'm mostly just counting on my historical good fortune to kick in when I need it most. Things almost always work out for me, I don't see why that should end now.
I love you so much, but do me a favor, baby, don't reply. Cause I can dish it out, but I can't take it
Here's fun statistic for you. In 2005 I wrote 140 diaryland entries. That's an average of almost 12 entries a month, or in different language, I wrote an entry about every 2 or 3 days. For comparison, in 2006 I only wrote 56 entries, or about an entry every week. This past year (2007, geniuses)? Two or three entries every month, 30 all together.
I'd say I'd make a New Year's Resolution to write more, but seeing at it's already January 12th and I'm just getting around to writing my first entry of the year, it's not looking so good.
Since it's Entry #1, there's some business to be attended to.
2007 "Wish-List" Recap
-Dean's List (I really need to start achieving again)
I rocked out my Spring Term with my highest per-term GPA I've ever achieved. Incidentally, it was the exact same GPA Linda got for her 2nd semester, which was her worst college GPA to date.
-Another internship (WGN?)
I failed a little at this one (WGN earns the honors of being the first person/thing/entity to ever reject me), but I did get a board-op job at the Next Media radio stations, so I at least did something productive.
-Keep the Boyfriend (lack of heartache always a plus)
Fortunately a success. I'm pretty sure he's a keeper, plus he's not allowed to dump me because I'm Best Girlfriend Ever.
-Kick ass at Nationals (both of them?)
Not necessarily a success, but I did, in fact, attend both Nationals, which was pretty huge in of itself. I've also not gone home empty handed from a tournament since Nationals '06.
-Good driver's licence picture (ha!)
Considering my track record with cameras, it might come as a shock to you that I have a good driver's licence picture. I was surprised too.
What is supposed to follow here is my 2008 Wish-List, but I'm not entirely sure I feel I'm capable of doing it. 2008 is going to be a terrifying year for me. I'm graduating from college in 8 weeks, which means that Real Life is nigh. I hear the next steps are 1) Get a Job and 2) Get an Apartment, but for some reason it never seems that simple. When the whole world is my playground, there are endless possibilities to choose from, and if there's only a handful of right choices, the margin for error is crippling.
Give me a nice, narrow playing field, then I'll do the right thing.
So, in the spirit of the New Year, here's a tentative, terrified wish-list.
Things I Hope Come To Pass in '08
-Find a job that utilizes one of my degrees in some capacity
-Avoid the Gen Y syndrome (ie: not live with my parents for more than 6 months)
-Keep the Boy
-Vote for the "right" candidate so that I can balance out the karma from my last Presidential ballot.
I will, Interested Party, try to blog more. I miss writing.