For anyone who's counting, this is the first January since 9th grade that I have been 100% boyfriendless. It feels a little strange, like being pathetic and liberated all at the same time.
Dear me, an edit? Wednesday Feb. 1st, 2006 5:07pm
Have you seen that cell phone commercial that advocates unlimited "Call Me" minutes, "so even when they waste your time, they don't waste your money"? Have you seen the one where the girl is getting ready for a night out, and the guy on the other line says something along the lines of "Hey... it's me, the guy you've been trying to let down nicely. I think maybe there might be something wrong with your voicemail, but I really appreciate that you picked up this time unlike the other 21 times I've called. So, I was thinking that we had a really good connection that night...five weeks ago. So I hope we can get together sometime soon!"?
My lesson from the month of January has been this: Even though things seem like they should be one way, sometimes they just don't turn out right. Hopefully my lesson in February will be one which I handle with grace.
Sometimes I do things without thinking them through all the way, and then later I wish I could take it back. That's the beauty of the internet, because of it's many vices and virtues, it almost always comes with a "back" and "reload" button.
Have you ever felt like a robot? You realize one day you're just going through the motions: wake up, check e-mail, go to school, be attentive, be social, be happy, go to work, be productive, go home, waste time, go to sleep, do it again. It's not so much the routine, but the fact that you don't know why you're doing it. It's as if at one point, probably years and years ago, someone wound up that key in the middle of your back and sent you toddering off. 6am run wake-up program. 9am run school program.
Robot life isn't bad, per sey, it's just disquieting not to know what end you are headed towards. It's one thing not to know what you want out of life, and it is something else entirely when you are on a path and you aren't sure how you got there, or what you're doing.
This is why when something new comes into your life you do a Lenny and love it so much that it ends up with a broken neck. Perhaps you think it will save you from the plesant monotony of your simulated life, or maybe you actually think it is what will give you purpose and direction. Your enthusiasm for something, anything out of the ordinary ends up killing it out of sheer exuberance.
Because no one can ever know enough about me, especially when such information comes in convienient lists, I am today going to regale this blog audience with a list of my pet peeves.
Things That Piss Me Off althernatly: You know what really grinds my gears?
1) People who put up away messages with song lyrics, or quotations, or even original poetic quips that are obviously directed at someone in particular. It's not that I mind expressing yourself, it's that I know the motivation behind it. You put up song lyrics about how "ooh I miss you baby" and you hope in your heart of hearts that Bobby from chem class will be compulsively checking away messages and he'll read it and instinctively know it's for him. In reality, we all see these messages, and we all assume they are not about us, so the person you're hoping to reach with your subliminal messaging will never get the hint and it's a boring waste of our time.
2) Mouth noises. That slurping, sucking, moist noise that people make when doing pretty much anything that involves movement of the lips and/or tongue. It's most irritating when you're in a quiet room, perhaps your dorm room, trying to do something that requires concentration, let's say... study, and all you can focus on is the sickening slap and smack of your roommate noisily eating oatmeal across the room. It makes me want to throw up. Equally as annoying is the sound people make when kissing and neither involved party is you.
3) Evil, conniving, backstabbing, manipulative girls. This should be self-explainatory, but I don't know if you quite understand. I'm talking about the girls who have secret codes for people they don't like, let's say the word "muffin", and then turn around and use that word in a friendly fashion with said undesireable party, for example calling that girl "muffin". It's deplorable and petty.
4) Small talk with people you don't really know. It's those awkward conversations with kids from a class you had last year who you just happen to be standing behind in line, so you say "Hey, Global Perspectives, right?" and they say "Yeah. That class was gay". And you proceed to have a 3-5 minute conversation revolving around the gayness of a class. There is no point in having these conversations other than to keep yourself occupied for a period of time, during which you could be doing better things, like re-prioritizing your life, rather than forcing small laughs and bright smiles.
5) People who are concerned about money. I don't mean the people with financial worries, to be concerned about how to pay bills and whether or not you can afford to take baths this month is legitimate. I mean the people who place value in it outside of it's actual function. It's the people who won't let friends take them out to dinner and the ones who flip out about exorbidant parking fees. It's just money. If someone has it, and they are willing to spend it, it's not a big deal.
6) Hidden agendas. Whether you are hanging out with a guy in order to get to his best friend, or joining the Association of Student Communicators to pick up chicks, these suck. What is the use in having friendships if you are not open with each other? Why do we have to do funny little dances in elaborate costumes just to get the attention of a guy we like? Why can't conversations be straight forward without someone needing to read between the lines?
My pen is the barrel of a gun, remind me which side you should be on
I'm going to make a long story short: MTV's "Made" inspired me to do this. I'm either doing it out of sheer egotism or altruism, you decide.
What this entry is is a baring of my deepest, darkest of secrets. Not secrets like "I cheated on my boyfriend and no one ever found out", but secrets of the soul. These are hopes, fears, dreams, facts about my nature. This is an exercise in honesty and understanding. My hope is that you who read this will take it in and understand me, and in turn make your own lists for people like me to read. I truly believe that if everyone could understand each other we would all be better off for it.
I'm honestly terrified that I will never find "true love". I'm afraid that I will end up 35 years old and still single with nary a long term, serious relationship under my belt. I'm afraid that no guy will ever find me as beautiful, witty, hilarious, intelligent, deep, or amazing as my family and friends tell me I am.
I am perhaps more afraid that should I find such a guy, I will not think he is any of the above, and that I will still end up 35 and lonely because I am too materialistic, shallow, or elitist.
While I value my sister's opinion more than anyone else on this planet's, I never want to introduce new friends or potential love interests to her because I assume they will like her better.
I would rather be a beautiful idiot than an ugly brainiac.
I know that, left to my own devices, I will never, ever make new friends. Partly because I simply don't have the know-how, and also partly because my standards for humanity are too high and everyone I meet falls short in some obvious way and I will be too put off to bother to get to know someone in order to learn to look past it.
Sometimes I wish I was the other sister.
I envy those with "free spirits" and "attitude problems" because I wish I knew what it would be like to not actually care about what other people think.
What we smile about behind your back would make you want to die, and that's our goal
Girls can be evil bitches, and I'm saying that nicely. The complexities and subtlties of female cruelty never cease to amaze me. Unlike those of the male persuasion, I can understand and comprehend the elaborate dances that are inter-female relations even if I don't like or condone them.
I spent part of tonight "bonding" with a classmate of mine over how neither of us are very fond of her roommate. I overheard her ranting to one of her friends, and later on I expressed how I was relieved that there was someone else on this planet who also did not like the girl in question. Looking back, I suppose I initiated our petty, ruthless conversation, but it was never my intent. I didn't mean for it to turn into a bitch-fest over exactly what about the girl we didn't like.
To be fair, my new friend did most of the complaining; it was her roommate we were talking about, after all. I simply stated the reason I didn't like the girl: I overheard her making fun of a friend of mine one time, and once you do that, you're more or less out of my esteem forever. However, I did not stick up for this girl, nor did I contest my new friend's somewhat petty complaints. I let her detail small infractions, ridicule room cleaning habits, and describe how said roommate doesn't even know how many people hate her.
It's a sad world we live in, us girls and women with few real problems. We expend a good deal of energy into maintaining friendships we don't want, scorning people who have done us no wrong, and smiling at everyone so that we always appear to be on good terms. To imagine the things we could accomplish with the time and resources we pour into our Drama would probably make you combust.
I have a rating scale to judge how pathetic my life is that is directly proportional to how much time I spend thinking about guys. I've been at threat level Red: Severe for at least two weeks now.
Have you ever had one of those moments where you're going about your life and then something seemingly mundane catches you off gaurd and knocks you flat on your ass? That happened to me twice yesterday within a five minute span. Just as I was getting the breath back into my lungs from the first surprise, the other one jumped out and incapacitated me for another few minutes. It's like the world suddenly stops, you're robbed of breath, and you get rather hot or cold, depending on the stimulus. These pole-axing happenings spurred me to re-prioritize my life somewhat.
Current priorities in life by virtue of thought/time allocation
1) Guys, one in particular.
2) What state my life is in that I am spending so much time thinking about Guys.
5) Speech team.
3) Speech team.
4) Social life.
We'll see if that actually happens. Five bucks says it doesn't.