Sunday, April 27, 2008

View From Afar

Get out of the desert and into the sun, even if it's alone

One of my defining characteristics, as evidenced by a myriad of sources and situations, is my ability to be level-headed and to stay above and apart from the fray. I'm always the last to know and least likely to care about workplace drama, and it seems no matter how closely I ally myself to the Evil Villian my part in the tyrrany is overlooked or seen as peripheral or unintentional at worst. I've had people turn to me for advice, as if this enviable power is a marketable skill, when really all I do is go about my life with an elevated level of perspective.

I described this phenomenon in reference to the AFA national tournament as "a zen-like state". Whether an event I loved died in preliminary rounds or I was thrown into a high-pressure national out-round, my level of excitement and disappointment remained the same. This could be chalked up to the fact that I don't let emotions into the ice box where my heart used to be. Or perhaps the massive amounts of Benedryl running through my veins deadened most sensations.

I'm taller than the average girl and loftier than the average mortal, so I view life events from a laboriously crafted pedestal. Mine is hot-pink and made from patience, priorities, pro/con lists, and a deep appreciation for irony. Being able to take a look at life from up here offers more fresh air and an ability to see the present in relation to both the past and the future. From up here, annoyances look smaller, pressures not as great, and harsh words as nothing more than hot air. It does lessen the impact of happy things as well, but being on a hot-pink even keel feels better than being thrown into the depths of petty drama.

Try building one for yourself. If you can't, wear heels.

Sail with me,

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Missing Pieces

Life goes easy on me, most of the time

It occurred to me the other day that I am teetering on the precipice of "The Rest Of My Life". I understand that "life", in general, cannot be planned out as effectively as I organize my days or computer files, but I am of the planning persuasion. I create plans and follow them until something interferes. Then I create a new plan based on a highly scientific pro/con list analysis to deal with the situation accordingly, and then continue on.

That said, there are certain major factors for TROML that I have to be able to plan for, at the very least in theory, right now. Career. Debt (or the elimination thereof). Buying a home. Buying a car. Getting a retirement plan. Marriage. Kids. Travel. Despite my easy-going nature, I can't just sit around and expect life to happen on a "wait and see" basis. Not having some idea of what the future may hold makes me nervous, sick, and quite frankly, outright terrified.

It's not necessary for me to have clarity and promises. I don't need to have a job lined up with a 401k, a financing plan on a new Jetta, a ring on my finger, or a relationship with a travel agent to feel okay about my future. I just need a general idea, an outline. I have some of that. I know what industry I want to work in, and thus I know where I need to be sending resumes and over letters. I know what car I want to buy, so I know how much money I need to save. I know how much I owe to the government for school, so I know what my financial situation is likely to be. I know I would like to own a house, not rent forever.

Other things, however, remain on a "wait and see" wavelength, which irks me because not only do I not have control over those particular aspects, it seems to me that I don't even have control over whether I get to know about how things might play out.

Alls I'm saying is that it's hard for me to make decisions that need making now, when I don't have all the data I need.