Tuesday, June 6, 2006

Life thus far

Today is the devil's day, allegedly. It is also Cathi's day to talk about her life. My life. I always get caught in that 3rd person trap and I'm never sure when to stop. Usually explicit discussion of my life is saved for my actual journal or discussions with good friends, but sometimes frank discussion in a self-centered, public forum is called for as well.

Because I'm most comfortable with lists, that's what this shall be. A Cathi List Of Her Life. Part One. Go.

As of tomorrow, I'll be officially done with school until September, which is a huge relief. I enjoyed my classes, I just lost all motivation to do work back in January. I'm worried about my grades, mostly due to said lack of motivation. I'm seriously concerned about whether or not I achieved over a 3.0 for the term, and that rings utterly false with who I am. I'm a high B, low A student, and I should always, always do at least that well. I think I just need a swift kick in the ass.

I hate money. I hate the fact that I have to rely on money. I like having money, but I hate it all the same. The problem lately is that I don't have it. I need to save up money to go to Poland which I don't even have adequate aid for, I need to get a good enough job so I can save up money and keep money flowing so I can afford to move out in August, I need to save up money to go to Berlin in the winter. I neglected to turn in my financial aid forms by the due date, and so I'm worried sick that I won't get enough aid for school next year. I have so much that I want to do and not enough money to do it. I hate it, and I don't know what to do about it.

Tomorrow I go to a showing for 4 apartments, one of which is a 3 bedroom being rented for $550 a month. Holy crap, I know. Brian wants to live in Chicago, and so do I, but if we can't find a decent apartment for cheap enough, it's stupid for me to live so far away from school. I know my dad probably doesn't approve of me living with a guy, and I know that no matter where Brian and I find to rent, neither of my parents will approve of the neighborhood. Unless it's in Wrigleyville or Lincoln Park, it's not a good neighborhood, and if we want to live cheaply, we'll have to live in a questionable one. I'm fine with it, and so is Brian, probably. I just wish there was a way to convince my mom and dad that things will be okay.

Dairy Queen
I hate my boss. I've always thought Rich was a giant douchebag, but lately he's been unreasonably mean to me. When I called to propose a solution to me desperately needing to find a replacement for my shift tomorrow, he called back to say "You know, this is why nothing ever gets done up there. You're always so concerned with getting your next day off. I don't have time to deal with this bullshit." I don't know what would possess him to say those things, and it's not fair and it's not something I deserve to deal with. I went job hunting today, and hopefully in the near future I'll be a waitress somewhere fun and won't have to deal with his bullshit anymore.

For such an unexpected relationship, things are going surprisingly well. Amazingly well. Worrisomely well. I'm almost living in constant fear of screwing this wonderful thing in my life up. Other than my family, Alex is the one thing in my life that isn't stressing me out, and is actually, in fact, keeping me sane. I'm finding it difficult to balance my precious free time between wanting to spend it all with him, and not neglecting my beautiful friends. I've never been in a relationship that was so real, and so good, and I'm more grateful for that than I know how to express, really. Here's to hoping I don't subconsciously try to sabatoge this, as I tend to do in most other areas of my life.
That's about all, I think. Thanks for paying attention, or not. Thanks for putting up with me, at the very least. Until next rant:


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