Saturday, July 8, 2006

Perfect world

My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent

You hear the phrase "in a perfect world..." a lot, usually prefacing some bad news, like when someone asks me for chocolate ice cream and I say "In a perfect world we could all get chocolate ice cream whenever we wanted, but here in reality we only serve vanilla. Sorry." Then when we talk about an ideal, perfect world it usually involves making sure everyone is fed and that no one notices that we have differences, and pudding is never even mentioned.

In my perfect world, the big, sad continent of Africa wouldn't even exist and I wouldn't have tummy flub no matter how much Taco Bell, cake, pudding, and Portillo's hot dogs I eat. All boys would be robots so I could turn them on and off as I pleased and when they say "I Love You" in their cute robot voices I'd know they mean it because I programmed them that way. No one would lie because we'd all be born with shock collars which would provide good conditioning and vast amounts of entertainment as we tested the boundaries. Toilets would always be manual flush, unless someone could invent them not to go off while I'm still on the can, and animals would stay the hell out of my way unless they were cute, well behaved, and non-allergenic.

Things I'm simultaneously dreading looking forward to:
-Poland Trip
-Getting an apartment
-Beginning of School

Me first!

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