The Astronaut Dilemma

I'm a war of head vs. heart

Many moons ago I wrote a somewhat conflicted entry dubiously applauding the actions of Spiderman's Mary Jane for finding the courage to leave her reliable, loving astronaut in order to persue the whims of her heart. In that entry, I focused on the subject of selfish happiness. In essence: that it is admirable to be brave enough to look out for Number One's Heart even if it means sacrificing someone else's happiness.

What I failed to note was the other side of the story: Looking out for Number One's Head. While sure, perhaps MJ is passionately in love with Spiderman, it's clear she is not a list-maker or a consequence-weigher. For some, breif flashes of extreme happiness are enough to counter-balance a lifetime of anxiety and misery. I, however am not amoung those that value short-term rewards. My concept of happiness runs with the long-term, and on my sliding scale of values, a lifetime of worrying about a Spiderman, never knowing if he'll come home, always being left in the cold while he's out saving the world, and always having to be kept a secret for my own safety is no way to live a life.

This is why I make lists, because while 98% of the time my head is in the right place, occasionally my heart makes some grand gestures and out-shouts the head. Making lists is my way of rationalizing the irrationality of my emotions. This is why it is easy for me to disapprove of the BFF's current man-friend and to look down my nose at a co-worker's relationship choices.

Recent events in the Bolingbrook area have surrounded my life with annoying drama. And while I do my best to ignore the more vocal and irritating of the hooplah, it's terribly difficult to ignore the semi-silent heartbreak constantly eminating off one of my fellow bartenders. Ignoring every other mitigating factor within the drama-fueled circumstances, I keep coming back to the baffling question of "how do you do that to someone?!" How can you live with someone, tell him you love him, accept his love and outward expressions of affection and support, and then abruptly leave him one day, to move in with some other guy less than 24 hours later?

Obviously, there was no list-making involved, because long-term happiness and the bad karma that accumulates by burning a loved one so badly have major weight attached to them.

Here's to making the right choices,
Cathi