Sunday, February 12, 2006

end of wes

Once upon a time I was falling in love but now I'm only falling apart

Yet another entry that shall be focused on my petty woes. How LiveJournal of me.

I've said it before and I will reiterate it now, I'm not a person who lets go easily. Running parallel to this is the fact that I get emotionally invested in certain things very, very quickly. Sometimes the "thing" is an idea or a project, more rarely this "thing" is a person. Whatever this thing may be, the depth of my attachment is directly proportional to how well it is compatible with my life, my interests, and my dreams and goals.

I'm going to admit this once and only once. This is one of those "deep dark secret" things I spoke of in a previous entry: The first time I saw him, I heard that 'bell'. The sound of possibility, the sound of something absolutely right settling into your life. Something in my gut would jump every time I passed him in the stairwell in the stadium or would make eye contact with him at station meetings. He said he remembered seeing me standing outside the library once, but I never told him I remember him passing by that day as well.

Point being, I was already emotionally invested in him before he forced himself into my life, and his sudden arrival and essential departure absolutely killed my emotional stability. I have since spent the past month trying to get over it, trying to forget he ever existed because having him on the periphery of my life is not, and will never be good enough now that I got a glimpse of the tangible person he is. Up until the last week and a half, this was literally all I could think about. Every song was relevant, every friend's life scenario was similar in some way, and no matter what I did, I dwelled.

It feels like this has absolutely consumed my life recently, but I made such a huge effort to keep it inside. Some people keep things to themselves because they like having secrets, and others do it because they like having secrets to tell. I kept this more or less to myself because I recognize how absurd, silly, and ridiculous it was. One pseudo-date and suddenly I'm obsessed? It was, is, embarrassing and also utterly debilitating. Because I was unfortunate enough to have one of those Bell People manifest himself in my life I walked around for the last 4 weeks oblivious to everything else going on around me. I've let my schoolwork suffer due to daydreaming, I've let my friendships suffer due to lack of attention, and I truly believe I've possibly postponed or blatantly ignored a real, concrete potential romance.

For this, I am sorry.

Kentucky was my wake-up call where I found myself going an entire day without once thinking about him. I have since been more productive, more focused, and less mournful that I have been, and this is good. The only drawback is that I am still tempted, oh so terribly tempted to keep this emotional mess alive and painful. His picture taunts me when it appears as one of the 6 "Friends at N. Central IL" on Facebook, his screenname glares at me on my buddy list, perpetually away yet with profile quips and away messages that mean something to someone, just not to me. I still have to physically and mentally force myself not to click on his name, or read his away message, because I know it will only foster this abusurdity longer.

This hurts. It still hurts as much as the day he said he made a mistake, and, as silly and crazy and ridiculous as it is, it might hurt for a very long time. The good news is, I'm overcoming it. I'm burying it, and I can stop hating myself for being stupid.


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