Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Deep and dark confessions

My pen is the barrel of a gun, remind me which side you should be on

I'm going to make a long story short: MTV's "Made" inspired me to do this. I'm either doing it out of sheer egotism or altruism, you decide.

What this entry is is a baring of my deepest, darkest of secrets. Not secrets like "I cheated on my boyfriend and no one ever found out", but secrets of the soul. These are hopes, fears, dreams, facts about my nature. This is an exercise in honesty and understanding. My hope is that you who read this will take it in and understand me, and in turn make your own lists for people like me to read. I truly believe that if everyone could understand each other we would all be better off for it.

I'm honestly terrified that I will never find "true love". I'm afraid that I will end up 35 years old and still single with nary a long term, serious relationship under my belt. I'm afraid that no guy will ever find me as beautiful, witty, hilarious, intelligent, deep, or amazing as my family and friends tell me I am.

I am perhaps more afraid that should I find such a guy, I will not think he is any of the above, and that I will still end up 35 and lonely because I am too materialistic, shallow, or elitist.

While I value my sister's opinion more than anyone else on this planet's, I never want to introduce new friends or potential love interests to her because I assume they will like her better.

I would rather be a beautiful idiot than an ugly brainiac.

I know that, left to my own devices, I will never, ever make new friends. Partly because I simply don't have the know-how, and also partly because my standards for humanity are too high and everyone I meet falls short in some obvious way and I will be too put off to bother to get to know someone in order to learn to look past it.

Sometimes I wish I was the other sister.

I envy those with "free spirits" and "attitude problems" because I wish I knew what it would be like to not actually care about what other people think.

That is all I can think of. Now it's your turn.

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